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Much of what I do in a day may seem routine to the outside world. I wake up, drink coffee, stare blankly into space, contemplate for a few minutes, shower, sing, drop soap, sing again..leave for work, catch a ride, sit (most times — stand), listen to music on my almost 2-year old Sony Ericsson K800i, make myself somehow useful in the office, walk myself to the bus station, sit (sometimes stand), listen to music on my phone again, turn up the volume to tune out the world, stare blankly out the window, grab my “book of the moment“, read a while, stare blankly out the window again, get off that bus, walk myself home, drop my bag, open the desktop/laptop, read emails, read feeds, listen to my blip.fm station, contemplate, write, sleep (repeat from start).

Typical, so it seems. But underneath the typical lies an unusual phenomenon. What happens within is a different story altogether.

You see, in between blinks of my eyes, in between skips of my heartbeat, in between steps — missed or not, in between presses on the keyboard, in between smirks and smiles — are thoughts of how my life would have been different without you. In between coffee sips and handshakes with strangers are flashes and vivid snapshots of the last time I saw you — from your sheepish smile to your weird laugh, from your most profound dissertations to your craziest conspiracy theories — the slightest detail is archived neatly in my memory, frame by frame, playing over and over again, alive and fresh like it was just moments ago. If you only knew all these and believed it to be true..but I just can’t seem to make you believe anything.

There are only a handful of things I regret in my life — things I could have done or done better, things I could have avoided or grabbed right there and then. Things I should have ignored or pondered upon. “If only’s”, “I should have’s”
and “Had I known’s”. Most of those — all of those — about you. But I guess it’s too late for that. “Our lives are defined by opportunities — even those that we miss”, so it says in a movie.

And now it’s gone. You’re gone. I weep over all the lost chances. My heart gets crushed each time I’m reminded of past mistakes. All is lost now. And all that’s left for me to hold on to are these raw emotions and the memories that evoke them every waking hour of this seemingly typical life I live.

Suggested Further Reading:

• Stuck In A Moment You Can’t Get Out Of
• This Is A “Declaration” of “Doing All Right”
• Dear Visitor from Mountain View, California
• Lie To Me
• Who Needs a Birthday Wish?